Oh don't worry, I got plenty of stuff. 2 new pairs of boots, a 5 piece luggage set, more money on iTunes then I can even spend, ect. ect. But I was still brokenhearted at the end of the day. But let me go back.
This summer I began sponsoring a child through Compassion International. I had felt called to do it for a few years, and felt that $38 dollars was not much of a sacrifice on my part in order to change the life of a kid. Little did I know (even though I should have been able to guess) that the Lord was starting a project on me.
Among my many gifts that I got this year, the most immediately life-changing one was book called Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis. This book is about a young woman, not much older then me, who quit life and moved to Africa and is now in the process of adopting 14 little girls. Yes. 14. I got this book on Christmas Eve, and I finished it on Christmas Day. It was phenomenal. But more than that it felt like me. As I was reading the book I heard God saying to me -- "This will be you. Someday, this will be you." Now, I did not take this in a literal sense of, doing exactly the things Davis did, but I did take it as God's distinct call to missions.
Then I hit a brick wall. Knowing that I'm called to missions makes me want to drop everything and go. Right now. I even emailed Katie's ministry and asked if they could use volunteers. But I can't, for multiple reasons. First off, I'm a student, and soon school is going to be a top priority again in a short 3 days. *sigh* Also, I'm in band, which takes up a lot of the summer. Third, money. I do not have the money to go overseas. I am not poor at all, but my family does not exactly have lots of money to be "throwing around" (for lack of a better term) money for trips like those.
This led to lots of bawling Christmas evening in bed. I was so heartbroken for all the children (and adults as well) with nothing. I felt suffocated by my own stuff that was all over my room, cluttering up every single space. I had no idea what God wanted my next step to be, and I was so eager to take it. I felt like my parents thought I was crazy, because when they asked if I was happy that night I had said that I was very grateful for everything that I had, but I was heartbroken. I felt like God had revealed this big, magnificent plan, and then said no.
Now I would like to say this story has a happy ending. Which it does, but not right now. I still have no idea what to do next. I'm still heartbroken over the people in poverty not only around the world but right outside my door. And I don't know what to do about it. But. I know that God has a plan. I do know that even when I feel like God's not there, He is still there. I know that His timing is perfect, and if I wait for it, I will be floored by the awesomeness of His plan. And I know that He has a plan.
And that is enough for me right now.
